As we grow distant again, I can only feel my emptiness caressing me. I can't eat or move. All I do is wait. Wait for him to caress me again. And I'm scared of my own sickness, it kills me slowly. But for now, I only need him. Even though it should be me and myself alone, maybe forever.

I’m left alone again and I’m starting to understand myself. This isn’t about missing a person, or being bored. It’s nothing like that. It’s about me losing myself. I can’t keep up with the distractions forever, I need to face the truth - the real me.

I stared at that molding ceiling after you left me. I was so alone. In the distance I could hear them laughing. I didn’t recognise those voices, I didn’t even want to. But the last spark of fire in my heart wanted to leave. I could hear them louder now. His azure eyes stared at me. That strong smell of cool mint in his breath. He blew smoke on my face. He was unapologetically himself. I didn’t want to believe it at first. But then spring came, warmer than even before. Maybe it was global warming, maybe his warm embrace. I needed to change, to see my true self in the mirror. He unlocked that door and took my hand. I finally felt it. He was my freedom, my summer breeze. And in that moment, everything felt infinite. I am free.

The loneliness came back, worse than I imagined. After spending a whole week with my boyfriend (and my parents) I feel so empty now. The contrast of how he sleeps next to me, clinging to my arms and smiling like he has stars in his eyes, compared to my reality of rotting inside, all alone in my cold apartment. After the trip he grew more distant and the thoughts are consuming my head. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he's losing interest in me? What if I'm not good enough? I keep comparing myself to his exes and other girls I find pretty. I wish I was perfect. I can put on a show outside, but inside I am nothing. I don't feel full as a human. I hate being perceived, but I love when others acknowledge me. I don't know you as a person, but I love you. I love you...

Happy Valentine's Day. Unfortunately this day was awful to me. I've found myself a genuine guy, who appreciates me so much. We started dating now. He feels safe, but unknown. It's like I'm not used to this type of treatment. Yesterday he promised to visit me on Valentine's Day, so we could spend it together. I've never had a Valentine's date before, so this was such a big thing for me. I was so excited to see him again, to kiss and hold him. But this morning he sent me a message that said he won't be coming, because something happened with his grandma. I know it's stupid to feel so angry and disappointed, because he didn't do anything wrong. I just feel so awful. I was so excited for today.. but it ended up with me crying the whole day. I even had to call emergency, because I felt suicidal. I hope that I will see him soon.

As the metallic taste fills my mouth with warmth, I lose hope in myself. When I look in the mirror, I see a stranger looking back at me. Those empty grey eyes, begging for any type of confrontation. I feel the regret of trusting other humans again. I have so much hope in my heart, it never truly runs out. It’s beautiful, but suicidal. Me and Jesus, we like to feel the pain. To give yourself away, over and over again. But the ending will always remain the same. I feel it everywhere now - my truth, my answers. I feel it in my heart, it’s like a burning flame. It burns my skin off, leaving red, rotting spots. The smell of the flesh grows stronger. It is eternal.

Olen tuntenut sinut jo niin kauan. Olet nähnyt kaikkeni, luulen että olet osa minua. Tunnen sinut kaikkialla - kesäöissä, järven sivellessä kivikossa, ikuisella kukkaniityllä. Minä näen sinut siellä, minä näen sinut aina. Vaaleat hiuksesi lepattavat tuulessa kuin liekki, se tuntuu lämpimältä. Katson sinisiin silmiisi ja näen auringon pilkkeen heijastuvan veden pinnalta. Olit vapaus. Halusin olla osa sinua. Kun askeleesi kääntyivät toiseen suuntaan, en voinut ymmärtää tunteita sisälläni. Kurkottelin valoasi epätoivoisena. Ole kiltti, katso minua vielä kerran. Nyt olet jo niin kaukana, etten jaksa juosta enää. Hengitykseni lamaantuu kun hengität syvempää. Näen heidät kanssasi, enkä voi kontrolloida kipuani. Se ottaa minusta vallan, minä todella pelkään. Näen kuvastuksesi helmenvalkoisessa säteessä, joka leijuu kehälläni kuin suojelusenkeli. Se on pelkkää nostalgiaa. Rakastatko minua, kuin minä rakastan sinua? Muistatko minua kun katoan? Minulla on ikävä. Ja olen pahoillani etten voi sanoa sitä ääneen. Minä ja sinä, katselimme kultaista pistettä horisontissa. Istuimme kylmällä kalliolla ja halusimme pois. Muistoissani olemme vielä vapaita, olkoon niin ainiaan.

You forgot about me so easily. You took everything away from me. Now I’m just empty. I can’t even cry anymore. You made me suffer, when you were supposed to love and comfort me. For 6 months, I couldn't see myself. I was trapped in your arms. Your hands were the ones hitting me, holding my head while you kissed my face. A part of me is forever gone. I left it inside that place. The place where flowers are dying, the sheets are dirty, the walls are cracked and full of mold. She’s sleeping there, waiting for new flowers. Waiting for someone. Maybe even a letter from you. She’s staring at the ceiling, hoping that you would come and say goodbye. But you left me in that room, all alone. You never showed up.