Pinned Message: TW

Welcome to my digital journal! Here I write about my life and how I view and feel things on a deeper level. Before you continue I want to give a trigger warning, because these writings include sensitive topics about self-harm, mental health and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Proceed at your own caution!

03/12/2025

I’ve been craving for someone new for a while. It’s like my brain won’t let me be alone at all ughh.. WELL I’m seeing this new guy and I’m so head over heels for him. He’s in the military at the moment, but we’ve seen each other a couple of times. He’s a brunette with beautiful green eyes (and he has a great body omgg)... He has this tattoo on his arm, it represents the sword of his favorite anime character Mugen. He makes music, loves anime, draws, paints, plays basketball and video games. He’s respectful and very sweet, and I feel so safe around his arms. We already slept together (I know it might be too early),, but he was just so damn loving. He’s much better face2face, and now I’m kind of spiraling because he’s dry when texting. I need to understand that he doesn’t have much free time in the military, and he doesn’t even use socials that much. But God please I want him so badly. I deserve something soft and loving after all the trauma I’ve been through.

27/08/2025

I haven’t written here in ages,, I am sorry. Things have changed again. Well the boyfriend (now ex) I was talking about wasn’t really the person I made him to seem like. Truthfully, he made me feel worthless for almost 2 years. He was always ignoring my boundaries, purposely trying to make me relapse. He was also a cheater and he abused me mentally and physically. I was so fucking stupid for being with him for so long. I didn’t deserve this. He left me with scars on my skin, trauma that will never truly heal. I don’t need you anymore Ivan. I hate you.

13/03/2025

Tomorrow I have an imporant call to make, and I feel scared. How did I let my social anxiety go this bad? My hands are cold, and that time of the year is arriving. I miss that place. So cold but made me feel comforted. I miss it, even though I was suffering. 5 years ago it started to happen and now I feel empty. I wish I can go to that place soon, and remember all the things we used to do.

12/04/2025

My boyfriend is falling into bad habits again. I know he feels so depressed these days, and when I try and be there for him, he just locks himself away. He hasn't gone outside in a while, and I am deeply worried for his mental health. I feel so hopeless whenever episodes like this happen, because I'm scared that he stopped loving me and that he will leave me. I can't let that happen. No matter what. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss that smile. He hasn't answered to my calls or messages in 3 days almost. I can see that he's online, playing video games all the time.. but he wants to be alone all the time. I miss him so much, I feel sick. I can't sleep or do anything, I'm just so scared.

10/10/2024

You forgot about me so easily. You took everything away from me. Now I’m just empty. I can’t even cry anymore. You made me suffer, when you were supposed to love and comfort me. For 6 months, I couldn't see myself. I was trapped in your arms. Your hands were the ones hitting me, holding my head while you kissed my face. A part of me is forever gone. I left it inside that place. The place where flowers are dying, the sheets are dirty, the walls are cracked and full of mold. She’s sleeping there, waiting for new flowers. Waiting for someone. Maybe even a letter from you. She’s staring at the ceiling, hoping that you would come and say goodbye. But you left me in that room, all alone. You never showed up.